Monday, September 13, 2010

Rough start

The past few days have been such a drag. I am so unmotivated for school. I love my classes and the information that we are learning. It is intense and about the body so its wonderful! Although, the lack of motivation is putting a huge damper on things. I miss Bryan a lot lately. The closer and closer we get to him getting out, the more and more I just want to be with him everyday. I want to come home to him at the end of the day, and wake up with him in the morning. I just hate that I can not have the one I want. I have him sparingly. Phone calls and skyping can only do so much. It has honestly made me kinda depressed. I just feel blah day after day. I get nervous for the future more and more. When I am the one controlling it as of now, but without motivation and without Bryan at home, I just do not have the willpower. Which is horrible, because I have gained so much strength from him not being around. I love him for that so much, but to have him home in PA or wherever we decide to live or I go to grad school. If I could just fast-forward a few years, I think I would be content. Even 18 months - which used to be 14, but then he had to add a few months on and extend for the next deployment, so we are back up a few months. It is typical though.

However, this weekend when I thought I was going to get away at work and spend time with some of the campers who really change my life. Something happened that was totally unpredictable, unbelievable, and still unreal. One of the campers just did not wake up. She just died. Right there at The Woodlands Foundation. But we kept it cool, and the campers did not find out. We kept our cool so that they could still have an amazing weekend with the rest of the campers who look forward to coming every month. I found her toiletries when I was cleaning the unit at the end of the weekend and I took them down to the office, only to start crying because I saw her chair and her little purple purse that she always had on her. I did not go in the room the morning of the death. I do not deal well with seeing people that way for the last time. I didn't do it with my grandmother, or my friend Lacey who passed away at the end of Junior Year. I could not look. But I remember all the great times we had. She was such a strong person.

So for now, that is just another thing that I need to keep working through and gaining strength form. I hope I find some motivation soon. I miss my hard work and my dedication.


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