Saturday, June 12, 2010
MY LIFE. I keep everything inside. I tell no one my deepest darkest secrets. I get knocked down and feel like I'm back at square one. I don't get most things. I honestly really really try to, but still I do not. I struggle with things when I put on a face as if everything is just fine. There are times I feel like a really bad person. I usually make decisions I know are not right and regret them later. I have issues letting go of the past and accepting change. I don't cherish things like I should at times. I have so many flaws. I don't know how to deal with it, so I hide it or I do things to distract myself. I hate and rarely cry in front of others. I hate complaining, although I love hearing others complain because I know that there are other out there just like me in so many different ways, and yet I still put on a face as if I am fine. I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders Usually, things don't go my way. I just wish I had a way to be freed of the weight on my chest. Let go. I'm so uptight. I always have so many thoughts in my head. It feels like my brain is going to pop. I have such great friends and that if I actually talked about myself to them nothing would be different. I just have always been one to keep things to myself. I have always told Bryan everything and ever since he joined the Marines it has been so hard to keep in touch about everything in our lives. He wants to know so much about me and I want to know so much about him and with so few visits each year. UHHH, just sitting here thinking about it makes me ill. Our relationship has been so crazy and yet I would not want it any other way. We just get to tell each other the bare minimum. We know so much about each other and the lives we live and yet the months were he is in the field or deployed we seem to know little about each others lives and when we do have time to catch up on it, we just want to spend it in the present. The life of a marine girlfriend or spouse is such a ridiculous, yet rewarding lifestyle.
Today when I was at a family friend's graduation party I was talking to a few people and as they would ask how school was going, the more and more I realized how I just want to be graduated and living life. I want to be working and out in the real world. I am not meant to be in school. As much as I continually love educating myself, I feel I am just meant to be out there and doing something with my life. I want to be rewarded everyday at work with the gifts I feel I have been given. I want to come home and not have to worry about studying for a test the next day. I could just ramble on and on about this stuff and just empty out what is going on and constantly moving around in my brain. Again, this is how I am all the time, I usually have the worst time sleeping unless Bryan is laying next to me. My brain never sleeps. I am always thinking about what my future has to hold and where I will end up. I am in no rush to grow up, yet I just want to know what God has planned for me.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Col. 3:23
On the bright side of everything, Haiti is in about two months! I am so excited. I could not have been blessed with a greater opportunity to help others and fulfill amazing joys. Plus I really wanna take home a little baby Haitian, not that I would actually do that, but to just see the smiles on their faces when we give them all the awesome stuff that we got donated. I have so much fun things for them to play with and to help themselves out. All I want to do is help others, like at the Woodlands. I am so happy that summer is starting because I get to spend everyday helping the kids and adults with disabilities. It is so easy to put a smile on my face everyday when I get to do this kind of stuff everyday. Everyone should get a chance to experience it. And on the 4th, Bryan gets to come home and he said he will come up to visit and hopefully volunteer. It makes me so happy that he wants to be apart of my life in this way because it is one thing he has never really been apart of. He is so great with kids and although its always nerve wrecking to be around a child or adult with a disability, he would be such a great role model for them. I really can not wait! Adult camp starts tomorrow and although not all of the counselors are going to be working, I am still excited to meet the campers since most of them are going to be new.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Goodnight all (:
at 9:02 PM